When dreams are few, thoughts are many

I used to be able to put my head down on the pillow and sleep until my alarm clock woke me in the morning, most of the time not having woken up at all. I slept like the dead! I knew how lucky I was because Pete doesn't sleep like the dead, he sleeps like a baby - waking up every two hours! He has trouble sleeping for various reasons, and so because of his experience I knew how lucky I was.

Alas, those days seem to be passed. I'm hoping this is just a phase, that as time goes on I will be able to sleep well again. Every cloud has a silver lining as they say, so what is the silver lining here - surely not the lining that seems to be getting darker under my eyes! There are many hours in a night when you are awake but need to be quiet because the rest of the house is sleeping.

When Pete can't sleep he reads, and I have tried that on a few occasions, but I don't want to encourage my new habit so I try to lie there and relax and switch off instead of getting up and doing something. So what is there to do? Think and think and think!

I have been thinking about life, my children, my home, my future, my past, my present, my family both distant and near, my hopes and dreams (sigh, wish I was literally dreaming) and also thinking a lot on the spiritual and eternal.

This life really is but a small moment. I have had 33 years on this earth so far, and when I look back it is such a small space in time. I can look back at some of the trials I have endured - which at the time felt like they dragged on and would never end, but in retrospect they have all been but a small moment. And more importantly I can see the hand of the Lord guiding and helping me, sometimes carrying me through it all.

Psalm 139:10 "Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me."
Doctrine and Covenants 112:10 "Be thou humble, and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers."

I am so aware that the Saviour is aware of me, I feel close to him, and I can communicate with him when ever I want to or need to, how blessed am I to know this!

So lots of thinking in the middle of the night (usually begins at 02:00 for some reason) But I'm not complaining, just letting you all know that if you are awake in the wee hours of the morning, you're not alone!

New Year's Resolutions

I made three resolutions this year.

1.  No chocolate for 2012.

(I mean chocolate in chocolate form, so not chocolate cake or hot chocolate or chocolate Nesquick - a chocolate powder for cold milk drinks)  The reason for this resolution is I eat far too much chocolate!  I love chocolate with caramel inside, chocolate chip cookies, brownies made with lumps of chocolate inside, chocolate digestive biscuits, chocolate slabs, bars etc.  So anything with chocolate on it, in it or chocolate its self.

I need to lose weight, and this seemed like a good place to start.

2.  When eating anything with Carbohydrates (excluding fresh fruit or coloured veg), put half back, or leave half on the plate.  When serving myself I will serve half, but at restaurants I will be leaving half on the plate and walking away from those calories.

You can go into a whole long complicated list of what not to eat, but I have simplified it for myself:  If it is white, or could be refined to become white, eat only half.  (this excludes cauliflower and egg whites) So biscuits, pastries, cakes, pizzas, breakfast cereals, oats, bread, pasta, rice and potatoes.

This goes along with the losing weight goal.

3.  Do one hour of cleaning every week day.

I would rather sit on the couch and read a book, or watch something, or play a game, and this has to stop!  There are things around the house that I do do.  There are chores that the kids do.  We don't live in filth and squalor, but we don't live in a neat, orderly, dust free home.  My time and season for playing with the kids and cleaning later is long gone.  I know that I tend towards laziness, so now I am training myself to tend towards being industrious with my hands, working willingly at the tasks that should be mine to do.

So far this year I have thrown away the old medicine and organised the medicine boxes.  (Jenny you would be proud!)  I have scrubbed the walls, tiles and cupboards inside and out, in the kitchen.  I have cleaned and organised the boxes we keep extra food in, and the list carries on.

And it's only and hour a day!  I set the timer and off I go, then when it rings, I go and do something else. An hour a day gets a lot of clean stuff I tell you!  Even the kids noticed that the kitchen looked shinier.  And you know what, it feels really good to be getting on top of my lazy tendencies.

So those are my resolutions.  So far, so good.

Time...

"Someone once told me that time was like a preditor, stalking you all your life, but I rather believe that time is a companion, who goes with us on the journey, reminds us to cherish every moment because they will never come again.  What we leave behind is not as important as how we have lived."


Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the starship Enterprise

When what you've done isn't enough

Pete and I recently had to go and write the Life in the UK test.  We studied hard, were well prepared and ready to pass.  There is a book you can buy and study from, there is an ipad app that you can use, we did both.  We were getting 100% every time for our practice tests.  At £50 per person per try we really wanted to pass first time.

Before the test I asked for a blessing, on the morning of the test I said my prayers and included a request to be able to do well in the test.  When we got there I was nervous and so said another prayer, and I immediately felt calmer.  We had both done all we could...

We got into the test room, began the test and quickly realised that there were questions in the test that were not in the book!  Now this is not too much of a problem if you watch the news, read the newspaper and listen to the radio.  Pete does these things, I don't.  He has an amazing general knowledge, I don't.  I am brilliant in some areas, and I don't consider myself stupid in any way, but general knowledge is a serious weak point!  Pete (who does think I am intelligent) was sitting at the other side of the room reading the questions and thinking that because of my lack of general knowledge it was a possibility I was going to fail.  He was worried for me.

Me sitting on the other side of the room had a moment of panic as I realised that I didn't know a question, then a pause, and a plea:  "Heavenly Father, I have done all I can, I don't have enough, I need your help please."  I felt calm, I felt clear headed and I was able to carefully read the question and think about the most likely answer (multiple choice).  I clicked the box and felt calm.  Some questions I did know, then another new one, I clicked an answer and didn't feel comfortable with it, I thought about the logic and decided on a different answer, I felt calm.  A few more I did know, then another new one;  An image of a poster seen in a supermarket flashed into my head, it was the answer I needed, click, calm.

This was the process for the whole exam, I was not worried, when I went and sat outside with Pete I told him that I was surprised by the questions that weren't in the book, so was he.  He went in and got his results:  PASS.  His knowledge was enough.  He came out, told me he had passed but said he didn't want to get excited until I knew my result.

I went in and got my result:  PASS.  My knowledge might not have been enough, but I had the Lord's knowledge to fall back on, and what more can anyone want or need.  Thanks to the Spirit's calming influence I was able to be still and know that He is God.  I know that I was guided through that test, I was comforted and calmed.  What a confirming experience that was for me, we can be literally guided in every step if we will just allow it.

Epiphany

You know how you can be reading something, or listening to something/someone and you have a thought or an idea come into your mind.  It isn't always related to what you are reading, or hearing, sometimes it comes to you because you are doing the right things, or are in the right place.  So in effect you have turned your receiver on so that you can intercept the signals that are being transmitted from Heaven.

I think the Lord has been trying to tell me something for a few years now and I have not been willing/able/ready (not sure which or maybe all three) to receive it yet.  I was sitting in the lounge studying a section in Alma (in the Book of Mormon) and read something about the Saviour (can't even remember what it said, or exactly where it was) and as I read it a thought came into my head:

"You have been trying to be a Saviour for your children, that is not your place, only the Saviour can save your children, that is His purpose, not yours."

What a moment that was for me!  I realised that for the past few years I have been trying to do exactly that with my teenagers, save them from themselves.  I have been nagging, controlling, pestering, interrogating, manipulating them - for their own good I told myself, because I have 'been there, done that, got the T-shirt' and don't want them to make the same mistakes, so come hell or high water, they were not going to make the same mistakes, and I would see to it that they didn't!  

It seems silly now to type that and realise how I was behaving, but I guess that is exactly what I was doing.  So this is what I have learned so far and what I am still figuring out as I go along;

I do have responsibilities and duties as a parent, they include:  Family prayers, family scripture reading, family home evening, going to Church on Sundays, getting my children to youth activities, temple trips and seminary meetings, and leading by example.  

If I am doing these things, and I do try my utmost to do them, then I have to let go of the rest and leave it up to the Lord.  

They have made some decisions that are disappointing to me, but the way I have been dealing with them has not been correct.  When I do something that the Lord does not want me to do, how does He deal with me?  Certainly not the way I have been dealing with my children.  The scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 121 comes to mind: 

" 41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood [or by me as a parent], only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

 43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;"

I sat my children down and apologised to them.  I explained what I had recently realised and told them that I was going to stop.  I asked for their forgiveness.  They actually looked relieved.  Tears flowed, hugs were given.  

I used to feel like there was a constant battle going on, I was exhausted with the effort, my children were being pushed away and trodden on.  I couldn't remember when last I had had a conversation with them that didn't end up in a lecture and them feeling resentful.  I was trying to carry a load that only the Saviour is capable of carrying.  I was trying to do something that no human being can do.  Now I am FREE, I cannot describe to you the relief I feel.  

I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost which conveyed this message to me, I am grateful for daily scripture study which had me in the right frame of mind - my receiver turned on.  I am grateful to the Saviour for carrying that awful load, so that I don't have to.  

A Pendulum Effect

Isn't life interesting!  When I look back on the nearly 13 years of marriage, I can see how the pendulum swings.  When Pete worked away from home a lot, I got 'the majority of the parenting' swing.  When I had just had a baby and was down for a while, he got 'the take care of everything' swing.  When he was sick with Malaria, I got the 'take care of everything swing'.  When I was studying Hairdressing he got 'the twice a week in the evenings it's your job to hold down the fort' swing.

Sometimes the swings are high and extreme, sometimes they are small and easily handled.  Sometimes there is something expected, sometimes there is a big shock followed by a massive swing.  And then sometimes there seems to be no swinging at all, things are just running smoothly, things seem right in the world.

I love those calm, still, peaceful, drift through times.  But you know, I do love to swing.  I used to get my dad to push me so high on the swings the chains were bending.  I remember (probably much to my mother's horror) that I used to jump off the swing when it was at it's apex and land safely in my father's arms.  For just one brief moment I was flying!  The feeling of your stomach lurching, then falling, then swinging back up the other way, sigh, those were the days.  I used to swing for hours.

So life throws these pendulum swings at us.  It always will, whether it is by our own doing or not.  I am becoming more capable of accepting the swings, the extremes in life that make you grateful for the air you breath, the variety of healthy food you eat, the comfort of warm cosy beds, the laughter of healthy children, the loving embrace of my husband, the ease with which my body (normally) works.

And when the ride gets too rough and we are afraid, don't know if we can handle it any longer, we have the chance to let go, fly if only for a moment and then land safely in our Father in Heaven's arms, where we can find rest for a time.

He leaves his peace with us:  "... my peace I give unto you:  not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27)

Sometimes this is much easier said than done, but I am learning.  Bit by bit we come closer to our Father in Heaven, if we will only turn to Him, trust Him and allow Him to guide us through this *pendulummy life.

*If this turns out to be a really cool word, then I want to make it known that I came up with it first :)

School Easter Egg Competition

What is easter really all about?  I have seen that some of the chocolate eggs and chickens don't say Easter on them, some say Spring Celebrations, others say happy Spring.  There are still those that say Happy Easter on them though.

Corbin's school is having a competition for the 'best Easter Egg'.  I asked him what Easter was all about, he told me that it is about Jesus dying on the cross and then being resurrected.  Like a chicken comes out alive from an egg, Jesus came out alive from the tomb.  After talking about it for a bit, he decided on this for his Easter Egg...

I helped with the crosses, and he decorated it.  This is what Easter is all about.  I am so grateful for His atonement, sacrifice and resurrection.  He gave everything - even his life  - for me, I want to give Him everything - even my life if necessary.  I love my elder brother very much, and I know He loves me too.

Happy Easter to everyone!